Sushi Middles

Filling up sushi is mucho-poocho fun. Just don't get all crazy excited and lose control. Nobody enjoys norimaki filled with sundried tomatoes and artichoke dip. It's a really bad idea and you need to stop it right now. I said STOP!

My Favorite Fillings: avocado 2 ways cucumber strips aburage tofu pink tofu seasoned carrots mushrooms kampyo smoked and grilled eggplant fresh baby spinach romaine lettuce hijiki salad x x x

Fancy Ingredients I use: prepared sushi rice soy sauce toasted sesame oil ume plum vinegar sugar soy sauce tahini toasted sesame oil rice vinegar liquid smoke Vegenaise wasabi powder unbleached sugar Japanese Pickles (subajeke?)

What you need:
1 ripe avocado  

What you do: Cut around the avocado lengthwise with a sharp knife. You won't be able to go through the pit and you shouldn't try as you will undoubtedly slice something other than intended fruit. Instead, with both hands, twist each half of the avocado in different directions, the halves should come apart, with one containing the pit. Put the pit half on the counter, and very carefully angle your blade so it is parallel to the pit. Push the blade fully into the pit and twist. The pit should come out wedged into your knife. Consider, however, if you want to save the pit to grow a nice avocado plant, you shouldn't use this method. Instead, put the pit half in your hand and sorta squeeze it. If it's soft enough the pit will pop out, otherwise you must dig it out and destroy the nice avocado flesh. Don't do this, we are trying to construct beautiful Japanese bites of yum. Please don't fuck with our aesthetic.

Slice the avocado halves into lengthwise pieces that are about 1/3 an inch thick. Remove the peel from each slice and set aside. Prepare avocado just before you asemble the sushi because it will oxidize and turn brown. You can always squeeze it with lemon juice, but then you'll have lemon-flavored sushi.

What you need:

1 ripe avocado
1 1/2 tablespoons Vegenaise or tahini
salt to taste

What you do:

1. Follow step number one, above.
2. Into a small bowl, scoop out the flesh from both halves and mash well with a fork.
3. Blend in the Vegenaise (I prefer) or tahini (Dazee prefers) and season with salt.
4. Set aside, but remember avocado browns, so read above. 

I buy my aburage tofu already seasoned and prepared in cans. I have never found a brand of canned aburage that doesn't contain MSG, so if that's a concern, try to find aburage that is refridgerated or frozen. I've seen this type before, but am not sure whether it's MSG-free or not. The kind I prefer looks like the picture here and is already sliced and ready to go. Here's how I use it:
1. Carefully, gather the pockets together in your hands and firmly press to release the extra liquid.
2. If you are using the aburage for sushi rolls (norimaki), simply stack the pockets and slice them into lengthwise strips about 1/3 an inch wide. Set aside while you prepare more fillins'
3. If you are going to stuff the aburage with rice to make inari, gently open the slit side of each tofu pocket. They should open right up.
   What you need:
   1 cucumber
   
   
   What you do:
    
   1. Peel the cucumber.
   2. Cut it in half, lengthwise.
   3. Using a small spoon, scoop out the seeds from both halves.
   4. Either cut the cucumber into thin lengthwise strips about 1/4 inch think,OR
   5. Cut each half in half again, this time the short way. Use a Japanese vegetable cutter or mandolin set on medium coarse to shred the cucumber into perfect strips about 1/16th of an inch thick.

   pink tofu

   
   
4. Tofu:
   
   I am really picky about tofu. It needs to have good flavor and nice texture or I really hate it. I always use a microwave when I make it for sushi because the results are chewy and fast. You won't get the same results trying another method. In these pictures, I made pink tofu, which came out pretty cool. If you don't have ume vinegar or beets, you can leave those ingredients out and it will still be nice.
5. What you need:
   
6. firm or extra-firm water packed tofu
7. toasted sesame oil
8. ume plum vinegar
9. 1 wee little beet, cooked until very soft
What you do:
1. Slice the tofu into strips the length of the block and about 1/3 inch wide.
2. toasted sesame oil
3. ume plum vinegar
4. 1 wee little beet, cooked until very soft
kampyo (seasoned dried gourd) This is what the kampyo I buy looks like, it comes dried in a plastic package. It is probably my most favorite sushi filling, so even though it looks like straw before you season it, and worms afterwards, it is totally worth it. Come on! Be a little adventurous! 
1. What you need:
   • 1 oz of dried gourd strips (kampyo)
   • some salt
   • 2 tablespoons dark soy sauce
   • 2 tablespoons sugar
   • 1 cup water plus extra
   • 2 teaspoons sake
   What you do:
   
   1. Take the kampyo out of the package and play with it! It's soooooo cool. My entire package was made up of only three pieces that were really long. Very neat.
   2. Soak the kampyo in warm water for 3-5 minutes.
   3. Drain the water and sprinkle the kampyo with salt. Add a tad of water and gently rub the salt into the kampyo with your fingers. Pour out the salt water.
   4. Wash the kampyo well in more water and make sure you get all of the salt out. Drain again.
   5. Place the kampyo in a medium sauce pan with the rest of the ingredients (pic a). Bring to a boil and then reduce heat. Simmer on low until the kampyo is very soft and quite dark. I let mine cook for about an hour...but watch it carefully, the broth will boil down as it cooks. You will need to add extra water about three before the strips are soft enough. Just add a bit to cover. As the kampyo cooks and softens (pic b), the broth carmelizes and the strips become much darker. When the kampyo is done, most of the sauce should be gone and it should be soft with a little bit of chew. (pic c).
   6. Let the kampyo cool and then cut it into eight inch lengths.
   

Sushi

YUM. YUM. YUM. Better than turducken. Much, much better than turducken ¹
There are so many different kinds of sushi, I've lost count. Dig this--sushi basically refers to rice seasoned with a solution of sugar, vinegar and salt. The word maki means roll. The other words tell you what kind of sushi yer about to stuff in your big fat wigglin' piehole.

Norimaki	Nori Seaweed Roll	This is the basic roll, captain. Nori seaweed on the outside, seasoned rice with a filling in the middle. This type of roll is made using a special Japanese bamboo mat called a "makisu."
Hosomaki	Small Roll	A kind of norimaki, but only made with half a sheet of nori and a single filling.
Futomaki	Big-Assed Roll	Another kind of norimaki, this roll typically has at least four different kinds of fillings and is muy thick, Jackson.
Uramaki	Inside Out Roll	This is a norimaki roll turned inside out in true swinger fashion (ever heard of The Lifestyle?) Nori surrounds one or more fillings in the middle and then gets surrounded by seasoned rice and optional sesame seeds on the outside. A wee-bit tricky to make, but not hard if you get smokin' with your trusty makisu. Impresses the Mrs.
Temaki	Hand Roll	Seasoned rice and fillings are stuffed into a hand-formed cone made out of nori seaweed. For extra flair, wear heels while crafting.
Nigiri	Finger Shaped Seasoned Rice with Topping	A little oval or oblong mound of seasoned rice is hand-formed and topped with a treat. A thin piece of nori can be used to wrap around the little bundle of joy. Fun for the whole family!
Gunkan	Battleship Finger Shaped Seasoned Rice	This a type of nigiri. A little oval or oblong mound of seasoned rice is hand formed. A piece of nori about 1/4 inch higher than the mound is wrapped around its perimeter. A loose or liquidey type of filling is placed on top of the rice and is held in place by the little nori overhang or railing. These look fancy, so save 'em for when the rabbi and his husband come over.
Inari	Aburage Tofu Pockets Stuffed with Seasoned Rice	If you can find canned aburage tofu, get out of the hot tub and grab that makisu. Just squeeze out the flavored tofu pockets, carefully open and stuff with seasoned rice. You can dip the top in roasted sesame seeds too. Even finicky Aunt Fusspudget will crow for seconds. I also like to use the aburage tofu as a filling in norimaki.

Handy Things to Know:

Chopsticks

Well, you could eat sushi with chopsticks for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, its sole purpose is to be eaten with your hands. Chopsticks and sushi are bad manners. Tsk. Tsk.

Gari

Pickled Japanese ginger. According to someone, this is meant to be eaten in between bites to cleanse the palette. Whoever said that was wrong, do you hear me? I like to put gobs of it on my sushi and eat it with every bite. I am an ugly American.

Geta

A cute little wooden sushi plate that is on stilts.

Onigiri

Little or big rice balls hand-formed and stuffed with interesting fillings. Technically, onigiri are not considered sushi because they are made from plain boiled rice that has not been seasoned. They are particularly fetching when wrapped in nori or dipped in sesame seeds. Check 'em out and pop 'em in.

Wasabi

Green colored Japanese horseradish. This is meant to be eaten a wee bit at a time to accentuate the flavor of the sushi. I like to make a nice soy sauce-wasabi soup to dip my maki into. Another big NO-NO, according to my personal sushi chef, Liu, who, as you know, makes the sushi during my frequent helicopter rides over Metropoland.

¹ Turducken?

First take a duck and shove it inside a chicken. Then take the duck-chicken contraption and force it inside a turkey. Shove in some stuffing and possibly some sausage. Oh yeah, take out them durn bones. I was horrified to learn that turducken is a specialty of numerous fucks around these parts, where I live, Southern Louisiana. Serving Tip: sneak into your grandma's bedroom, plunge a syringe into her goiter, then empty the juices into a roasting pan, gently plop in turducken and marinate until a generous lawn of gray-white fuzz lines bottom of roaster. slice and enjoy. Happy Turduckening.

Sushi 101

 
  Eww, stinky! Isn't sushi FISH?!
You are so silly, and that's why I love you! Great-Granny Papplejack taught me sushi don't gotta have nothin' to do with fish. It's a special Japanese word for rice seasoned with rice vinegar, sugar and salt (lay this fact on your girlfriends at the country club for extra popularity). Now gather 'round my apron, and let me learn y'all the different shapes, sizes, races and religions of sushi you can pump out of your very own Fisher Price Sushi-Kitchen â 

What's Great-Granny Papplejack's secret to sushi rice?

Making seasoned rice is so simple you can do it with a Manhattan in one hand and a straight flush in the other! You can use short-grained white, brown or even red rice for you Mensa members. 

The fillings, ma'am?
The love is flowing now. The fillings are the only reason I get up in the morning. When you're playing god in the middle of a sushi roll, you can get crazy as a pimp in a limo, or stay in your bathrobe and simply make rolls with one simple, stinking ingredient. 

Sushi feelings

Feelings, whoa whoa whoa, feeeeeeeeeeeelings.