Sushi

YUM. YUM. YUM. Better than turducken. Much, much better than turducken ¹
There are so many different kinds of sushi, I've lost count. Dig this--sushi basically refers to rice seasoned with a solution of sugar, vinegar and salt. The word maki means roll. The other words tell you what kind of sushi yer about to stuff in your big fat wigglin' piehole.

Norimaki	Nori Seaweed Roll	This is the basic roll, captain. Nori seaweed on the outside, seasoned rice with a filling in the middle. This type of roll is made using a special Japanese bamboo mat called a "makisu."
Hosomaki	Small Roll	A kind of norimaki, but only made with half a sheet of nori and a single filling.
Futomaki	Big-Assed Roll	Another kind of norimaki, this roll typically has at least four different kinds of fillings and is muy thick, Jackson.
Uramaki	Inside Out Roll	This is a norimaki roll turned inside out in true swinger fashion (ever heard of The Lifestyle?) Nori surrounds one or more fillings in the middle and then gets surrounded by seasoned rice and optional sesame seeds on the outside. A wee-bit tricky to make, but not hard if you get smokin' with your trusty makisu. Impresses the Mrs.
Temaki	Hand Roll	Seasoned rice and fillings are stuffed into a hand-formed cone made out of nori seaweed. For extra flair, wear heels while crafting.
Nigiri	Finger Shaped Seasoned Rice with Topping	A little oval or oblong mound of seasoned rice is hand-formed and topped with a treat. A thin piece of nori can be used to wrap around the little bundle of joy. Fun for the whole family!
Gunkan	Battleship Finger Shaped Seasoned Rice	This a type of nigiri. A little oval or oblong mound of seasoned rice is hand formed. A piece of nori about 1/4 inch higher than the mound is wrapped around its perimeter. A loose or liquidey type of filling is placed on top of the rice and is held in place by the little nori overhang or railing. These look fancy, so save 'em for when the rabbi and his husband come over.
Inari	Aburage Tofu Pockets Stuffed with Seasoned Rice	If you can find canned aburage tofu, get out of the hot tub and grab that makisu. Just squeeze out the flavored tofu pockets, carefully open and stuff with seasoned rice. You can dip the top in roasted sesame seeds too. Even finicky Aunt Fusspudget will crow for seconds. I also like to use the aburage tofu as a filling in norimaki.

Handy Things to Know:

Chopsticks

Well, you could eat sushi with chopsticks for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, its sole purpose is to be eaten with your hands. Chopsticks and sushi are bad manners. Tsk. Tsk.

Gari

Pickled Japanese ginger. According to someone, this is meant to be eaten in between bites to cleanse the palette. Whoever said that was wrong, do you hear me? I like to put gobs of it on my sushi and eat it with every bite. I am an ugly American.

Geta

A cute little wooden sushi plate that is on stilts.

Onigiri

Little or big rice balls hand-formed and stuffed with interesting fillings. Technically, onigiri are not considered sushi because they are made from plain boiled rice that has not been seasoned. They are particularly fetching when wrapped in nori or dipped in sesame seeds. Check 'em out and pop 'em in.

Wasabi

Green colored Japanese horseradish. This is meant to be eaten a wee bit at a time to accentuate the flavor of the sushi. I like to make a nice soy sauce-wasabi soup to dip my maki into. Another big NO-NO, according to my personal sushi chef, Liu, who, as you know, makes the sushi during my frequent helicopter rides over Metropoland.

¹ Turducken?

First take a duck and shove it inside a chicken. Then take the duck-chicken contraption and force it inside a turkey. Shove in some stuffing and possibly some sausage. Oh yeah, take out them durn bones. I was horrified to learn that turducken is a specialty of numerous fucks around these parts, where I live, Southern Louisiana. Serving Tip: sneak into your grandma's bedroom, plunge a syringe into her goiter, then empty the juices into a roasting pan, gently plop in turducken and marinate until a generous lawn of gray-white fuzz lines bottom of roaster. slice and enjoy. Happy Turduckening.